Tuesday, February 14, 2017

I hate Valentine's Day


I hate Valentine’s Day, I think it’s a load of shit. When I was a teenager I was too shy to approach people who I thought were attractive or interesting, in that way, so I daydreamed about them instead. I created little movies that played inside my head of the secret message that I would receive on this Valenti….stupid load of shit day that would somehow be delivered to my mailbox or school bag. I’d imagine myself opening it and smiling and feeling all warm and melt-y inside and I’d look around for the romantic fool who’d left it then skip into the house all self satisfied and admired from afar. But it never happened.
Then, after a few false starts, romantic love did come into my life and, even though he made me a pull out card of love hearts one Valentine’s Day, it didn’t feel like in my daydreams. In this more real experience of love, I’d sometimes be overwhelmed by the responsibility that came with an intimate relationship. I’d feel awkward when he tried to hold my hand in the street and wasn’t quite sure how to respond when he did something obviously considered and kind.
The daydream version of love and the real experience of love were quite different and that’s what’s so shit about Valentine’s Day. It’s a made up day where people are encouraged to share movie type expressions of affection and those who aren’t in on the charade feel left out or even worse, unloved or unlovable.
It makes me sad to think about all the people who, just like me as a teenager, feel bad about themselves today because they aren’t in on this outward expression that is perhaps more of a defence against the truth of loneliness than a real sign of love.  
Love isn’t clingy or cloying, that’s attachment. Love doesn’t need verification in the form of a card, overpriced flowers or a teddy bear, that’s commercialism. To love is to genuinely care about someone else, to have a heartfelt wish for their happiness perhaps even over and above our own.

It is possible to feel love when we are not in an intimate relationship. We can just think about someone else, anyone, even somebody we don’t know, even someone on the other side of the world who we’ve never met, and spend a few moments wishing for them to be happy. That’s it. Not asking for anything in return, just a simple, beautiful wish for their happiness. Try it if you like. Close your eyes, think about somebody else, anyone, and wish for their happiness. Maybe you’ll feel it as a stirring in your heart, an inner light. Perhaps you’ll smile. That’s love and it’s available to all of us, every day.  

K.x

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Magnificent courage and great love.

Hello lovelies,

With three days left of 2016, that conceptual construct of time which exists only in words makes me reflect on the year gone by. It happens this way for me most years and also on those terrible birthdays that end with a zero. I go into a phase of wondering what it’s all about and get a bit freaked out at the lack of true meaning that underlies almost all of our activities. This year it was exacerbated by a very minor health upset that made me think even more deeply about life, death and all the stuff in between and I got caught up in the idea of us all distracting ourselves and wrote the following a couple of weeks ago………..

Is distraction the enemy of inner growth?

I have this theory that we are all constantly distracting ourselves from the lack of real meaning in our lives. Instead of searching for what that might be for us personally, we turn away from the existential inquiry and towards anything that will make us forget that we have no fucking idea how life works and what might be the point of it all. We make ourselves busy accumulating wealth and possessions that will soon be lost to us or gathering knowledge that doesn’t answer our deepest questions. 

Are we game enough to face the real questions? The answer is mostly no. But the result of this lack of courage is that there forever remains the sense of purposelessness to all of our activities.

What about doing things for others? Caring for others? This seems like a good purpose because it gets us closer to an answer which does have some depth, namely letting go of self and placing our love and attention on others. In this way we come closer to some truth perhaps about the lack of true existence of the self.

But I knew that I was on the wrong track because it is clear that this brief discussion comes from a place of anger and anger is always mistaken, that much I know. The anger arose from the truth of suffering that we see all around us all the time and from which no one will be spared. The truth can be hard to face. Hmmmm……am I cheering anyone up yet? Getting you pumped for 2017? Stay with me…..

Then I was in Westfield Bondi Junction doing some Christmas shopping and instead of being overwhelmed by meaninglessness which would be entirely possible, I had an epiphany. I was standing by the edge of a glassed in balcony, elbows on the ledge and Christmas carols playing in the background, looking below at the thousands of people rushing in all directions and rather than this sense of pointlessness, I had a powerful feeling of love. This huge surge of emotion swelled from the centre of my chest and almost left me breathless, a bit dizzy.

I looked at the lot of us going about our daily lives clearly not understanding what it’s all about but doing it anyway and I thought about how wonderful we all are. I pushed off the ledge and walked through the mall smiling like an idiot and wanting to hug everybody and tell them how great I thought they were and how much I loved them. I refrained so that nobody called Westfield security to escort me out and went home humming Christmas carols.

I thought about all the difficulties that each of us faces and will face and felt such affection for the whole crazy bunch of us and the courage that we muster each and every day to go on buying the gifts and trying our best with each other. Look at us doing all the things we do without really knowing why! Where does the energy, the drive come from to keep on with it all? It comes from love. It couldn’t be anything else. We just keep on trying to love each other as best we can and surely this takes immense courage.

So I just want to thank all of you, my friends, family and the whole lot of you for having such courage, for having such love, and for being part of my life right now or in the past or maybe the future. I have that same feeling in my chest right now with my heart thumping away and giddiness at telling you all how special you are to me. I wish happiness to each and every one of you for 2017 and love always, always……….

K.x 

 
Cheers to 2017.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Die but before that, live.

Sometimes we feel so much pain that we want to kill ourselves.

PLEASE DON"T.

We are going to die sooner or later anyway. That's definite. We have no idea when that will be. So, let that go. Death is well and truly taken care of.

So before death comes knocking, before it comes to sweep away everything we have known and to take away our whole experience of this life, we might as well live it.

LET"S LIVE OUR LIVES.

We live the shit parts and we experience the suffering because it won't go away. We decide to face it and feel it in all it's horror. This is the life we were born to live. Intense suffering is a part of human existence.

Once we have faced that, we are free to live all the other parts. Let's get out there with this awareness of our own mortality and the truth of suffering and be in this world at this moment. Let's follow our deepest wishes and inclinations and step into the whole messy, crazy, complicated, confusing, fucked up and wonderful, (because sometimes life is wonderful - appearing a moment which fills us with wonder, like love) thing called human life.

Let's stop worrying about the details, like what people will think, whether we'll go broke, if we've sent the kids to the right schools or chosen the right career for ourselves, if we'll get fat or if we'll make a mistake.

Let's take back our freedom. This is our crazy, fucked up life and we can live it the way we want.

No one can force us to take on excessive mortgages, stay in jobs that we hate, work out when we don't feel like it, buy clothes or other stuff that we don't really need, watch shit television or stand by while people treat others or this earth without respect or kindness.

Do what you want.

Buy a bus or plane ticket and get the hell out of here, get rich, go broke, become deeply religious or irreligious, let your cellulite or your gut hang out, wear whatever you want, speak up about what matters to you, buy heaps of stuff or buy hardly anything, eat well or eat junk, become super fit or admit that you're just not that into exercise, write, paint, play an instrument. Do it all badly or be some bloody supremo. It doesn't matter.  

The truth is that we are all going to die. So go ahead and do that.

Die but before that, live.


  

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Putting yourself out there.

Hello Lovelies,

How often do you expose your innermost thoughts to others?

Bloggers do it all the time. That's what it's about, the blogosphere, baring all.

I don't normally share deeply personal details or perhaps even too many details of my life (mainly because it would be boring!) on this blog. I don't want to involve my family or friends too much though they do pop up occasionally. But when I sit here before my computer screen with a blank page before me, I aim to share a little snippet of what has been on my mind lately. A few of my innermost thoughts And that is a little bit scary. Maybe if I posted more often it would be less so but each time I click on the "publish" icon which is just over there on the top right, I feel nervous.

What if it's boring? What if I sound like a whinger? A snob? A self-centred, boring, whinging snob? What if I just sound dumb? What will people think? What will you think? Of me?

Oh, that's right, it's all about me.....there it is, the essence of today's post. It always appears a few paragraphs in so I should probably go back and delete the start but that's how I get here. We are always so caught up in ourselves. It's debilitating this disease of self-ness. It stops us from being open and honest with each other (What will they think?). It makes us hesitate before we express our feelings (What if they don't feel the same way?). It makes us experience mental pain every time someone even accidentally says something that we perceive as a slight. We are so vulnerable with this strong sense of "I" that we can be paralyzed by it.

But perhaps worst of all, it can stop us from following our dreams. To follow our heart requires courage, the courage to be wrong or to look silly. When we chase our dreams we may fail or find that others don't understand where we are coming from, our dreams might be before (or after!) their time. But when we don't follow our dreams, when we don't at least try in some way to be true to what is deep in our hearts, then a little bit of us dies. Our dream self dies. Our dreamer self becomes buried under our safe conforming self and our little secret wish, our own unique offering, is lost to the world.

I believe that we all have something wonderful to share with this world and that we know what this is only through listening to our heart's deepest desires, the really quiet wishes that lurk inside our minds even when we try to ignore them or push them away. I am quite sure that you know what yours is and it doesn't have to be any grand, clever, amazing thing. It might just be a wish to try your hand at something, a what-if, a place you'd love to visit, a person you want to call......

Maybe you already follow your heart's desires or perhaps you choose to keep your secret passion to yourself. But just check that your little bit of wonderfulness is not being hidden away simply because of this more bossy (and scared) "I". Because that "I" is just a figment of our imagination. If we ignore them they might just go away. That's what I am trying to do anyway. With a little success, sometimes.

"Go confidently in the direction of you dreams. Live the life you've imagined."
Henry David Thoreau.  

Thanks for reading.

Good luck and love, love, love, K.x

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Shadows and light.



Hello Lovelies,

I have just finished a beautiful meditation here in the front room of my place where I work and meditate and the kids wrestle and visitors sleep. As I sat down on my meditation cushion the sun was just touching my left knee and as I finished, it had travelled across my body and rested on my right. I sit here writing now with the sun on my side and my legs and soon it will be at my back. There seems something symbolic in all this movement of light and shadow. For me right now it is about the passing of time, hour by hour, day by day, year by year and about checking that I am living this swiftly passing life in the way that seems the most meaningful. To me. 




Of course, this will vary for us all but worth checking all the same. I have realised that this is what my novel is about. It is a story about finding and following your own truth. (More re-writing!) As I get older it seems increasingly important to do and be whatever suits me. To let go of anyone else's expectations that sometimes fill my head and be whoever the hell I want to be. I definitely don't mean this in a way of disregarding the needs or feelings of others because that is part of who I want to be, someone who cares.

I have an amazing friend who told me that she was happy to be getting older (in some ways!) because it meant that she no longer worried about the opinions of others so much and she found a strength of purpose that sees her doing incredible things right now. Actually she has always done incredible things but just now feels very secure in her sense of self and her way forward.

Perhaps as time moves on we develop more of an urgency to accomplish what we'd set out to do and be the best version of ourselves, according to ourselves.

When I started the website imagine365, I had a phone meeting with this web based entrepreneur and he asked how many people I would like to visit my site. I said one thousand. He asked me if that was 1000 a year, a month, a week? To be honest I wasn't sure as I hadn't thought any of it out very much but I answered, one thousand a day. So far the most I have accomplished is 135 in one day. But I just thought I'd put the wish out there and see what happens.

It was a free phone meeting and the guy didn't quite get the idea behind imagine365 because I hadn't yet linked in any way to make money from the site and that was what most of the people he worked with were about. Now don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against money but I am still not sure about that side of it.

What I do know is that I believe in the power of our minds to create our reality and my wish for imagine365 is that anyone who visits or contributes to the site develops positive states of mind and an openness to amazing possibility. I want us to create the world that we want for ourselves and each other. So far, the contributions have certainly embodied this wish.

So if you haven't visited the site recently then please go to http://imagine365.org/ and scroll through the most recent imaginings, maybe add your own by clicking on the pink "What do you imagine?" button and share the site with others in whatever way suits you. I hope you enjoy it.

Maybe this is how I will get to that 1000 visitors in a day. I will let you know when I do.

Love, love, love K.x        

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

The courage of creativity

Hi All,

Towards the end of last year I finished a novel (yawn, sorry to go on about it but it was a big deal to me after more than ten years of work) and I found a publisher whom I would love to have read it and managed to get in touch with her through a mutual contact. After several emails and some weeks waiting for replies and not wanting to be too pushy but perhaps just pushy enough to get my work in front of her, she agreed to let me send the manuscript to her. Now I wait for her to find the time to read it and let me know what she thinks and I sit on my hands trying to resist the urge to follow up which I already did once and she said please be patient, I have a lot to read and do and she knows it's frustrating but there are only so many hours in a day, etc. Eggs all in one basket for now.

I started the website imagine365.org and that has been chugging along nicely for some months despite a glitch over the last few days where I applied an update that I shouldn't have and stuffed things up a bit so it has been offline but should be sorted some time today, haven't checked yet. Also still with teaching, copywriting and looking after the family so time marches on. Have done a bit of extras work on a couple of ads which was fun getting hair done and make up and all that but boring hanging around and doing the same thing over and over.

My point is that a few months have passed and I have not written creatively in this time. I have blogged and written in my notebooks like I do and worked on imagine365 which is something of a creative outlet especially when I add my own imaginings. But I haven't written a story nor been involved in a different world to this one (if you don't count tantric meditation but that's something else and probably not what you are thinking though blissful and beautiful all the same).  

Last Friday I went along to a class over at Glebe called, "The art of being", which is facilitated by an amazing lady called Sally Swain whom I have worked with on and off over many years, always drifting back to her lovely, quirky studio when I need some inspiration. In the company of six other women I painted and wrote and we shared tea, figs, nuts and our work. Then this morning before checking emails or doing life admin stuff or looking at my site to see if it is fixed, I sat on the back terrace with a pile of blank paper and wrote bits of a story.

It started from a painting I did at Sally's class last week of a woman in a yellow coat, a canary yellow coat. She is in Paris and it is night time as she hurries along a steep street with light rain on her face and a suspicious looking man walking towards her wearing a beret of all things but it's not too much and he smokes of course. I know the coat because it has appeared in another story where someone leaves it out for collection in a big garbage bag just outside the front gate. Actually it is the same woman but I am finding out more about the coat, where she bought it (Portobello Rd in London) and what happened when she wore it in Paris and Amsterdam and eventually when she brings it back to Sydney to finally leave it out for collection with a pile of other old clothes.

Now I am at the reason for this blog post, thanks for your patience. It takes courage to work creatively. It is kind of scary to look at a blank page and not have any idea what will appear there and if it will be any good or any use and there are so many other things you could be doing with your time but you plunge in anyway and it's exciting and exhilarating. It brings together all of these little details you have noticed about the world and mixes them up with characters and dialogue that didn't exist before and then you have a story. You have created a new world for these new people to live in and it's a place where you can also hang out which is like a parallel world to the one you live in when you put down the pen or the brush.

Got to hang out the washing, mind drifting between both worlds, an orange, black and white butterfly fluttering on a branch outside the window above the bins.

Enjoy your day.

Love K.x
 

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Just doin' it.

Hi All,

I don't know about you but I haven't found my groove yet this year and since it's February it seems about time that energy and enthusiasm kicked in but.....well, it just hasn't.

I'm doing all the usual things, chopping the wood and carrying the water as a dear friend often says, and I'm trying to tap into some wisdom gained over the years. You know, the truths about life that you gather over time and that usually manage to pull you out of your self absorbed melodrama but they're just not working.

Oh, there are the beautiful moments like this morning when I climbed up into my son's top bunk to wake him up and enjoyed a snuggle under his warm blankets with his lovely little boy skin and we took our time and only just made it to school on the bell. I soak these up, I notice them and cherish them.

Like I said, I'm getting on with it but on some levels it just isn't happening for me so far in 2015. I keep thinking what's it all about? And I could get all busy with stuff (?!) and forget about it but it still doesn't answer the question. Again, I've found some answers over the years that work for me personally but I keep looking around at the world and it's expectations and asking again, what's it all about?

First world problems part 1 million, I know, but this is where I live.

I always come back to LOVE but right now my heart isn't moving. Move, please move!

Yesterday I saw this story about a tweet storm (really!) between Judy Murray (Who? The mother of tennis player Andy Murray apparently) and Yoko Ono. Judy has been re-posting Yoko's tweets with derogatory remarks added while Yoko doesn't respond. This bothered me because it seemed like a clash between a harsh world of assumed reality (Judy's) and an artistic vision for a better world and a wish to shake up our assumed reality (Yoko's). There's probably something in this that speaks to what is going on for me at the moment but I'm all whatever.

I thought that writing about this weird-ness would help but not so far. Thanks for your patience. I'll just get back to wood chopping and keeping busy until things look different.

Love, love, love (move heart, move!),

K.x

Oh yeah, plug for my website imagine365.org, please browse, please contribute. Just doin' it. K.x